The Epic Poem

"Santa and Sons (& daughter!)"

The EPIC POEM CAST OF CHARACTERS

The Santa Claus Family:

SANTA. The high-tech Santa. Shorter of beard and into jogging
and health food. Ever the lovable philosopher.

SARA (Mrs. Claus) Sweet, diplomatic, strong, still sensual.

NICHOLAS Eldest son. Went to college in the “real world.”
The business brother.

KLAUS Younger brother. Comedic. Takes care of the reindeer.

SANDY Feisty daughter who falls in love with inventor, ZWERKIN and becomes “1st female Santa.”
...................................................................................................................

JAN A childlike elf who is Santa’s Chief Engineer.

BLAISE Sandy’s talking Anti-gravity sleigh. This character
announces the set locations in “The Reading” version.

...................................................................................................................

Zwerkin’s Family:

ZWERKIN Single parent and inventor who visits North Pole
with his Teleportation Device. Falls for SANDY.

SILVIN 10 - 12 year old son. Teams with JAN to save the day.

BETHANY 6 - 9 year old daughter. Tries to keep a tough secret.

...................................................................................................................

SNAVELY The villain and boss of ZWERKIN. Obsessed with
destroying SANTA. He has a black Santa-suit.

MA SNAVELY Pilot of his helicopter and kind-hearted mother.

This poem may be freely distributed for personal and educational use with Copyright notices included.

“SANTA AND SONS (& daughter!)” ©1995 • “Tele-Santa” ©1982
Tele-Santa is a registered trademark. Contact: battaile@calexas.com
To hear the songs and buy the cd, visit http://www.santaandsons.com

"Santa and Sons (& daughter!)"

The walls were white and the room was round
with candy cane trim. A preponderance was found.
A groupe dressed in red, a red suit and mini-skirt.
And red denim jeans with a red gingham shirt.
And something that looked, from the top to the boot
like a high tech, new fangled Santa Claus suit.

They stood on a map with the world at their feet
that shimmered with pathways. No separate countries were seen.
Everyone was staring at a video wall,
so big it made people look skinny and tall.
Suddenly on the screen a flashing appeared.
A message so urgent, all channels were cleared.

Dear Santa,
Please send us a Tele-Santa Toy
So Snavely won’t have to take our house.
Its a mergency! Thank you.
bethanyandsilvin@shop.zwk

“Dad, we’ve got to do something!”
The young lady turned, concerned.
Made you sense a great experience was about to be earned.
“Yes, SANDY CLAUS, I reckon that’s true.
Might be a good project for your brother KLAUS, too.”
It was the big guy talking. But, the beard not so long.
He looked look a jogger ‘bout to burst into song.

“It’d give you a break from the Reindeer Barn,”
said NICHOLAS the eldest “get out on your own!”
KLAUS, the short and stout puffed his gingham chest out.
“Open the Perspectivity Window and I’ll take my best shot.”

At the console, SANDY presses a glowing light pad
and the video starts whizzing like mad.
While KLAUS is wrestling a mechanical globe
with coiled wire and a stylus. About to explode.
The Past appeared on-screen. The events and the times.
And, then that deep voice was heard ... “Rewind.”

[ ZWERKIN’S Home appears in the Perspectivity Window .]

Was the night before Christmas. In the Zwerkshop sat ZWERKIN
with the Tele-Santa Game he had to get zwerking.
His boss, that’d be SNAVELY had him trapped in a deal.
“If you can’t get it done, then the profits I’ll steal.
By sunup tomorrow your house will be mine.
That was the agreement you begged me to sign.
A-ha-ha. A-ha-ha,” like a cd it played,
the maniacal laughter of SNAVELY’S tirade.

His young son named SILVIN starts to shake him awake.
“C’mon Dad, it’s Christmas. You can’t work too late.”
Little BETHANY was worried, her lips both pooched out.
“Without a chimney, how’ll he find me?” She was starting to shout.
“Never fear, sister dear,” SILVIN proudly announced
“Dad’s Teleporter and television get him into the house!”
And, grabbing the stockings, a hammer and nails
he heads for the tv, until ZWERKIN wails
“Whoa, SILVIN. Allow me. I’ve done this before.”
But, their progress was stopped by a knock at the door.

A knock and another. Both loud and obnoxious
At the end of that fat fist was SNAVELY, his boss. Yuck.
“If the Toy’s not done, ZWERKIN. I have to remind you.
Leave the keys in the door as you close it behind you!”
He threw down some papers and whirled like a fan.
But when he took the cookie from BETHANY’S hand
SILVIN just had to let out a ferocious roar. “ROAR!”
ZWERKIN eased the lout out and the peace was restored.
A peace ZWERKIN tried to pretend wasn’t strained
by the ominous documents he couldn’t explain.
Maybe if I rest my eyes a second...
“BETH,” whispered SILVIN, “I have to propose:
A letter to SANTA in your finest of prose.”
“It’s too late for the postmen,” BETHANY shouts “even overnight‘d fail.”
“Quiet,” says SILVIN “we’ll use the computer and send it E-mail!”

[Back at the North Pole.]

“Why’d you do that?” SANDY cried out as KLAUS turned off the screen.
“Cause I’ve got a plan. We can work as a team.
You find out about ZWERKIN’S Tele-Santa Toy.
I’ll straighten out SNAVELY and get more time for our boy.”
“SANDY’S too young” notes mother SARA upon entering the room.
“Mom, I’m nearly two hundred, and KLAUS will come, too.”
Says SANTA, “The timing is perfect. The dilemma is true.
I’m confident SANDY and KLAUS will get through.
KLAUS, take your sleigh and four of the reindeer.
NICHOLAS, call the Outpost and get the helicopter in gear.
SARA, take our daughter and help her get ready.
We can still make our deadline if we work hard and steady.”

[ A little later at ZWERKIN’s house.]

A soft, repeating knock woke ZWERKIN from his trance.
A beautiful girl with an innocent glance.
She held out her hand and presented a card.
‘SANTA AND SONS, INC.’ — toy maker of high regard.
She said, “With our large staff, you’d quickly see
the Tele-Santa Game would be fixed for free.
SNAVELY would be history. And then you’d save the family.”
“How’d you hear all this stuff?” ZWERKIN wanted to know.
“And the Teleporter, is it done? Can you give me a show?”

In his Zwerkshop where clutter is raised to an art,
a teacup is placed on the edge of a cart.
Now ZWERKIN is holding an S-shaped control
and punching in coordinates, he starts to extol.
“I’ll press the device and hopefully you’ll see
the cup reappear infronta the tv.”
A barely perceptible BZAP did occur
and the cup reappeared. Sure as sure!
With a copy of the Game and a promise to phone,
SANDY left to find KLAUS, leaving ZWERKIN alone.

[ Meanwhile, in SNAVELY’S Office Lair.]

SNAVELY was pacing in his office dimly lit
by coal black shutters barely open a slit.
Near the giant black desk and the monitor wall,
KLAUS’S ill-fitting red blazer made him look kinda small.
Diplomatically, KLAUS offered to lend SNAVELY a hand.
“I heard one of your inventors has got in a jam.”
Snickered SNAVELY “No parts. So he can’t keep his home.
I bought all the manufacturers from Singapore to Gnome!”
Said he “No takers here” in his patented sneer.
“Just cause, KLAUS CLAUS — red clothes are out this year!”

[ Later, back at the North Pole.]

SANDY was breathless, “And you know something else?
A Teleportation Device like we’ve wanted ourselves.”
Now, SANTA had said “Get the engineers working.”
But, SANDY had heard “Get the engineer, ZWERKIN.”
She invited him up to the North Pole Estate.
Something no one in history had done to that date.
ZWERKIN said “It’s almost done. Well, sort of.
If you give me your coordinates, I’ll just teleport up.”

“Zero. Zero.” SANDY whispered. Yes, magnetic North.
Where electrical currents flow out of the Earth.
Pure arctic waters near bubbling hot springs.
And a giant dome covers the buildings and things.

The whole family is gathered, plus a gaggle of elves.
Awaiting the arrival of ZWERKIN himself.
Waiting. Waiting. Then suddenly BZAP!
The air came alive. Time and Space felt a snap.
And, ZWERKIN was standing as the day he was born.
Somehow, in the journey, his clothes had been shorn.
Proudly, he cries out “I made it! Teleportation’s a fact!”
Impressed, SANTA discreetly hands him his hat.
“Well done son.” SANTA said that it had real potential.
Or as KLAUS deftly put it, “No chimneys — no hassle.”

So, ZWERKIN set to working with Chief Engineer JAN.
All of Santa’s technology at his command.
Their quixotic workstations where elfish designs
were subcontracted to others, most of the time.
The sheer size of their task was indeed monumental.
Solutions like Teleporters, had become quite essential.

“We’ve added some helpers you might recognize.”
In walked SILVIN and BETHANY with long ears besides.
ZWERKIN was thrilled but home he had to run
with NICHOLAS to get his papers, saying “Don’t have too much fun!”

Now, JAN who was crafty like so many elves
said “SILVIN, let’s hitch a ride and deliver the Game ourselves.
We’ll take the Teleporter too, cause they’re both nearly done.”
“Like heroes, we’ll be back before they notice we’re gone.”

So, after ZWERKIN and NICHOLAS get in his convertible sleigh,
two small elves sneak in back and are carried away.
The reindeer get restless when the top won’t go down.
NICHOLAS tries forcing it until he hears funny sounds.
Like moaning. And the crunching of fragile electronic parts.
“The Teleporter’s trashed,” JAN tells his friend in the dark.

After a short cramped flight, the sleigh starts to descend
to the Outpost, a way-station where the sleigh ride will end.
As the reindeer are put in their stalls for the wait,
two elves sneak out, regaining their shape.
But before they can think, a helicopter takes off
with NICHOLAS and ZWERKIN to pick up his stuff.
“Now what” a crushed Teleporter catches SILVIN’S gaze.
He pulls out his smashed sandwich of peanut butter and mayonnaise.
“Ick,” bristles JAN “there’s much to be done.
I’m sure I can fix it, but I’ll need your chewing gum.”

[ In SNAVELY’S Office Lair.]

SNAVELY scans his monitors looking for ZWERKIN.
He flips from screen to screen screaming “Where’s that worm lurking?”
Suddenly two figures, NICK and ZWERK in the Zwerkshop,
rummaging through drawers and gathering books up.

SNAVELY turns up the sound. “Yes, here’s the schematic!
The Game’s as good as” “Hush! SNAVELY’s a fanatic.”
ZWERKIN covers a camera. SNAVELY’S screen goes dark.
“Mother. Get my helicopter ready!” He bellows and barks.

[ Later, at the Outpost.]

Foop. Foop. Foop. Foop. The helicopter sounds woke SILVIN.
“JAN, what’s happening?” “NICHOLAS and ZWERKIN are leaving.”
SILVIN walks out. To the north a flying sleigh.
In the opposite direction, their helicopter lifts away.
“Is the Teleporter ready? It’s freezing out here!”
The wind whipped steady as JAN pulled out the bandaged gear.
High above in the clouds, SNAVELY used his binoculars
in a sinister, black ‘copter that matched his particulars.
“Mom, did you see that?” The old lady pilot turned a goggled head,
“a reindeer sleigh, no way did I did.”

“Oh look, a white polar bear.” SNAVELY smiles, “advancing over there.”
But the elves are preoccupied, exposed and unaware.
JAN’S making progress, “the address where you stay?”
SILVIN says “@shop.zwk”
By now, the cold wind must have prevented
their noticing the bear’s breath about to be vented
on the necks of our heroes, the brave JAN and SILVIN.
When the black plane swooped down and a woman yelled “Get in!”
Fearing for their hides, they swallowed their pride.
When the door opened wide, the two elves jumped inside.

“Mother, you were supposed to follow the sleigh!”
but SNAVELY’S intrigued by the clothes his passengers display.
“Mr. Snavely,” says SILVIN who’s not been recognized.
“I’ve got the Tele-Santa Game. It’s working fine I surmise.”
SILVIN digs in his bag and proudly pulls out the Game.
Scoffing, SNAVELY tosses it to the side of the plane.
“I have a toy, too. SNAVELY’S Melter it is!
I aim it just so.” The Game started to fizz.
The sparks shoot by the cowering elves
who are certainly beginning to get worried themselves.
SNAVELY roots through their bags, “now this looks quite nice.
This sticky bunch of wires — a Teleportation Device!”

[ Back at the North Pole]

“ZWERKIN!” SANDY exclaims as the duo arrives.
“What about me?” brother NICHOLAS chides.
“I’ve got the plans, Mr. Claus.” the inventor proclaims,
“this fluxus capacitor should keep the clothes on your frame.”

“Wait, ZWERKIN” cried SANDY “two people are missing.
Have you seen JAN or SILVIN?” “We must make a decision,”
says KLAUS “the Teleporter’s not to be found.”
But, BETHANY was bursting and let out a sound.
“Aaay wanted to tell. I can’t stand any lies.
It was supposed to be your Christmas surprise.”
Trying hard not to cry, “they took it to SNAVELY
to get back our house and our toys. I’m sorry.”
ZWERKIN lifted her up. “I love you,” he said.
“Your timing is perfect. It’s hard to say what you did.”

SANTA takes command and comes up with the plan:
ZWERKIN and SANDY in her anti-gravity sleigh ‘Blaise’
fly to ZWERKIN’S but stay “above the clouds a little ways.”
SANTA by sleigh will spot from the sky
if they’re lost and alone, using sharp reindeer eyes.
“NICHOLAS, you keep the elves working. Is that clear?
And, KLAUS” “I know, Dad. Tend to the reindeer.”

[ In ZWERKIN’S Zwerkshop.]

It used to be cluttered, but now it’s a wreck.
SNAVELY’S thrown every drawer, strewn the shelves, wiped the desk.
The elves left to hang in a net from the ceiling.
SILVIN whispers to JAN “if we just get it swinging,
I can reach Dad’s computer. And it’s prob’ly still set
to the North Pole coordinates. How lucky can we get?”

“A-ha. The Teleporter directions,” SNAVELY dances with glee.
“Soon, that fat blob SANTA will be working for me.
And the reindeers, I’ll have to turn the whole group
into deer kabobs and antler soup.”
The snitch presses the switch. And, he teleports so.
While the two in the net start to swing to and fro.

[ Flying up in SANDY’S anti-gravity sleigh.]

Slightly ‘bove the clouds as the Northern Lights glow,
the Estate’s glistening dome disappears in the snow.
“This is the coolest way to fly,” ZWERKIN says.
“Why, thank you” answers a voice belonging to ‘Blaise’
the anti-gravity sleigh of SANDY’S design.
A talking pink jalopy with baby blue eyes.
“She has your sense of humor,” ZWERKIN notes.
“Is that good?” SANDY asks. “It’s the most!
Since I met you, I’m transmogrified!”
“Is that good?” asks SANDY. “Intensified,”
says the lovestruck ZWERKIN,
“whatever you’re doing, it’s certainly working!”

“Would you like me to take over?” asks ‘Blaise,’
“Just the flying I mean, you’re kissing his face.”
Recovering, ZWERKIN gushes
“I never wanted anyone this much as.”
SANDY’S got it bad, too. It was hard to tell who
first stopped kissing who and said “I’ll marry you!”

[ Suddenly, at the North Pole.]

“Calling all elves! Defend yourselves!”
The loudspeakers blared and rattled the shelves.
NICHOLAS sent out the warning from the Central Command
as SANTA and SANDY each were about to land.
An intruder’d arrived and the elves gather bravely,
converging in the courtyard to greet Menacin’ SNAVELY.
Sparks flash. The menagerie scurries for shelter.
Shovel raised, KLAUS recoils from the force of the Melter.
ZWERKIN yells “SNAVELY stop it! What you’re doing ain’t right.
These people are peaceful. They don’t want a fight.”
“And what of my small friends?” says that voice from the North.
The crowd slowly spreading as SANTA comes forth.
“SILVIN and JAN? SNAVELY, where can they be found?”
“When I left ‘em,” SNAVELY bragged “they were hanging around.
You were holding out on me, ZWERKIN” SNAVELY said snidely.
“By making a Teleporter? That’s not why you hired me.”
“And, that black Santa suit looks stupid!” BETHANY shouts.
“Ooh, that hurts. Well, SNAVELY says ‘everybody out’.”

SANTA is calm and he tries to befriend
SNAVELY CLAWS who is screaming “Your toy empire must end!”
SNAVELY’S Melter is beaming directly at SANTA,
whose hands sends it back at SNAVELY. And a
strange metamorphosis. To everyone’s delight.
SNAVELY’S face almost smiles, and his suit’s turning white!

When suddenly a bundle comes crashing through the air.
Landing on SNAVELY and flattening him there.
It’s SILVIN and JAN climbing out of a net.
Teleported from the Zwerkshop, or did you forget?
When SNAVELY arises the hatred is gone.
He’s downright friendly and easy to get along.

ZWERKIN spies his chance and takes SANTA aside.
“With your approval sir, SANDY wants to be my bride.”
“And, SANTA” adds SARA “I think it’s time you oughta
change the family’s corporate name to ‘Santa and Sons & Daughter’.”
“Yes to both counts,” SANTA couldn’t be prouder.
And a huge cheer went up from all in the crowd there.

Then BETHANY’S tiny voice rose above all the noise,
“SANTA, what about Christmas? What about the toys?”
A panic ensued. Oh my gosh, what to do?
But, NICHOLAS had an idea that might see them through.
“Teams of SANTAS” he said, “each one in our own sleighs.
Filled with toys and a Teleporter, going our separate ways.”

SANTA smiled like he knew this was all meant to be.
SANDY, the first female ‘Santa’ in history.
SNAVELY wanted to help and said “what can I do?”
KLAUS picked up his shovel saying “here’s a present for you!”
Everyone laughed as they ran to their sleighs
which were soon loaded up and they started away.
NICHOLAS and SILVIN. KLAUS taking JAN.
SANDY and ZWERKIN. That left the old man.
SANTA took little BETHANY who sat at his right.
Then, the four sleighs started soaring out into the night.
But it wasn’t official ‘til SANTA said it. You know,
“Merry Christmases to all, and to all a goodnight. Ho. Ho. Ho.”

The End

This poem may be freely distributed for personal and educational use with Copyright notices included.